last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
