My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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