So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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