got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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