I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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