I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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