ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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