you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I FOUND THE LEGS
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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