You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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