So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
