I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
