I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
