Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
