why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
