i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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