I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
