i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
