anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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