i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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