he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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