The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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