I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
