Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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