Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
