Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
