The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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