i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
