first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
