Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
