Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
