i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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