my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
