the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
