1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I won the penis lottery.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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