there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
