Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
