i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
