so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
