Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
