at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
