Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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