you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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