I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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