Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
there's paper in my vomit.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
