M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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