I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
