Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
