I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
