I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
