Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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