got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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