dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
