Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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