It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
