Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
