How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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