I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
