I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So many bounce houses so little time
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
