Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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