He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
