just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
