I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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