overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was CRYING into my vagina
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
