JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
